8 April 2013

The Start of our Journey......

We found out on December 20th, 2012 that we were expecting our second miracle. We were a bit surprised but definitely felt like the news was a very happy blessing. We just knew that it would all go well, being 36, I was still fairly young :) and our first pregnancy resulted in giving birth to our beautiful, little girl, Brinley.

 
Mommy and Brinley

We booked our first ultrasound just to make sure that all was going smoothly, little did we know that the rug would be swept out from under our feet.

We had the ultrasound on February 13th, 2013 and I got the phone call one week later. I was at home with our little girl, while daddy was at work. I heard the nurse say that everything looked wonderful and the measurements were perfect, yes that was the word that she used. I clearly remembered saying that this was all fantastic. Then the nurse said that my placenta may not be providing baby with enough nutrients and may not be able to sustain life. I thought ok, we can work with this, I will do some research and it'll all work out, because that is just how it goes....it all works out. Being the teacher that I am, I felt I needed to go over the conversation with the nurse once more just to clarify what had been said about the results. I repeated the conversation and she told me that she was ALSO saying that we had a 1:2 chance that our baby would be born with Down syndrome. I shut down, I cried, I cried hard and then heard nothing else but, amnio, CVS, testing. There was no way that our baby would have Down syndrome. Nope.



Baby Collins

I called my OB and went in with hubby, sister and Brinley. It was a bit of a blur but I felt better after walking out of the office, I had some more information. We would meet with the genetics counsellor and discuss options, resources and educate ourselves further on chromosomes and trisomy and abnormalities........

James (hubby) and I felt that this was something that we just couldn't do. We can't raise a child with Down syndrome. This will be the rest of our lives. This will be the rest of Brinley's life. This means a whole family needs to come together and love and support and take care of this child. No way, this is too much. I cried.

The following day, I got up and realized that we could totally do this. Yes, we can!! I am educated, I am a teacher, I teach girls who are at-risk of sexual exploitation. I deal with behaviour, truancy, drugs and alcohol, the court system. I can do this. Down syndrome kids are loving and cuddly and are always happy. Who's to say that her big sister won't drop out in grade 9 and become a prostitute downtown and smoke crack with her buddies??!!! A parent's dream!! This new addition will always love us and may go to university and get a good paying job and earn lots of respect. I don't know. Is this a realistic expectation??

Later that week, the charge nurse called me and said that we were booked in for an induction that day. I lost my breath, we were booked in, to terminate the pregnancy. I told her that we had an appointment for an ultrasound the following week and needed to go and see if there are any other health concerns. The nurse fully supported our decision and felt it was a great idea to get some more information. We could of ended it all that Saturday.

Ok...maybe we can do this. We went for our 18 week ultrasound and saw that little bean flailing her arms and legs. I was amazed and in love. The tech was very thorough and kind and I was pretty sure that I saw a little 'hamburger' up on the ultrasound screen. We were having another little girl!! Ok, we can do this. we have everything. We have bins and bins of clothes in our basement and some diapers and even some jars of food. Yup, we can do it.
The doctor came in to talk to us and said that he was a bit skeptical whether or not our little girl had Down syndrome because everything looked rather perfect. He asked if we considered an amnio....well geeze, we spent almost a 1000 dollars to have the non-invasive testing done, so now why we would have an invasive test?? Wait, maybe it'll all come back normal. She does have a nasal bone and her measurements are more perfect then what her sister had in utero. Wow!! Could you imagine???!!! That trip I had to take to the hospital because I was having major panic attack a few weeks before could have been for nothing. The worry and the tears and all the upset, for nothing??? Yup, let's do it, let's do it tomorrow.

We went for the amnio and it all came back positive for Trisomy 21. Our little girl STILL has Down syndrome. Ok, I can do it. I can totally do this. I'm strong, I think. I'll talk to friends and I'll access all the resources that I can. I can't let myself get into a panic again. My little girl needs me, my hubby needs me and this little bean, needs me. I am the mother and wife and I must keep it all together for the family. Maybe I can't do this, maybe this it too much for me, for our marriage. What if Brinley gets bullied, what if her friends make fun of her for having a sister with Down syndrome? What if somebody calls the new little bean the 'R' word? What if adults make fun of her? How will I react?? What if somebody is staring at her? Will I rip them to shreds? Will I start a punching fight in the middle of Costco? I am that mother who protects her children and who would do ANYTHING to keep them safe and healthy. What if this is all too much??

I decided to go and talk to somebody. Being a teacher, I have always been on the other side of things. I fix problems. I let people cry on my shoulder. I don't get weak, I don't need to get strategies and advice on how to cope with the ups and downs of life. No way, I am Krista. The one who controls my life and takes charge.


Ok, I will go and talk to a therapist and get my thoughts in order.



Beautiful Brinley
It went well. I felt good when I left and felt that by talking to somebody out of my network of friends and not a family member, it was a healthy and positive choice. Yup, I talked and I talked and it felt good. I told her that I over think and sometimes in the middle of the night, I wake up and feel so overwhelmed. I need to be like James and get into bed and fall asleep within seconds. Why can't I turn it off? I don't want to get all in a panic when the sun is asleep and it's all quiet in the house. I need some good strategies for when I get scared. We will work on this for the next few weeks, possibly months. I feel good about it. Everybody should talk to somebody.

So here we are at 20 weeks and still going. We are in a much better place, mentally and emotionally. We are booked for an echo on April 24th and looking forward to positive results. We have connected with a couple not far from us who have a darling little boy with Down syndrome. She is just as crazy and wild as me and her hubby is calm and grounded like James. We are getting the necessary information needed for the all of the forms that will need to get filled out. We are getting our lives in order, the best we can without losing the fun and excitement of having another beautiful, perfect little girl.


Brinley and Baby Bean's crazy dad!! :)


We are still scared and we still have concerns, this is why I have started the blog. I want to connect with other moms and I want to know your thoughts and your stories. I want to take this journey with others who are experiencing the same feelings and emotions. I want to support you, I want to cry with you, I want to laugh with you. I want to do this together.

 
Mommy and Brinley


27 comments :

  1. Wow. That is beautiful Krista! Proud of you!

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    2. I am a friend of Cheryl's and am very greatful to be able to read your blog. It is always great to share your emotions, struggles and well life with people that have gone through similar situations. I think it is a personal decision and I have not gone through it personally but I think the biggest question for me would be the overall health of the child. We have had a lot of health issues with one of our children but thankfully it hasn't been life threatening. I saw you have an echo on the 24th (so do we at ACH?). I think God only gives you what you can handle and what you think you can't handle, just makes you stronger. I didn't realize how strong I truly am until I had kids. You just do it and to me (although I don't know you), you seem like a very strong person already!

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    3. Dear Court...thank you so much for sharing your message. It was a very tough decision and I still have my doubts whether this is something that we are able to handle. I take it all day by day right now and rely on my support system to keep me grounded. You saying that you have a lot of health issues with one of your little ones, makes me realize that it can happen to anybody, whether the child has DS or not. We are going for the echo at the Foothills, they have been amazing so far and very thorough. Thanks again...I am sending you a hug. xoxo

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  2. Your daughter is just beautiful! What a courageous person and amazing Mom you are for these girls. I am a teacher just like you and have a brain that NEVER turns off. Please know that you have support from those that you do not know.

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    1. Lisa, thank you so much for your kind words. Yup, us teachers, we need to relax a little. :) Thank you also for your support, that means a lot to me. xo

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  3. Krista, I'm Krista and my friend, I am SO SO SO very glad that you are bringing this life into the world. You are courageous, even though some times you may not feel like it. My Ella is friends with Carson, although, now we live in BC. You are supported! There is a tonne of families out there who are some of the most supportive and loving I have every know. It's so good to meet you and I don't mind if we follow your journey. If you want to see it almost four years down the road you can visit our site. Maybe a good place to start would be here: http://www.kristaewert.com/2013/02/what-i-would-say.html
    Blessings,
    Krista

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    1. Hi Krista!!!! I accepted your friend request and I will for sure check out your site. Thank you for including me in your journey. I hope we can follow aech other's and share our crazy kid stories, our love for our babies and lots of laughs.

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  4. I don't know you, but your story resonates very strongly with me. When my husband and I discovered we were pregnant with our first baby we were thrilled. Like you, we went to the routine ultrasound, excited and ready to buy pictures of our little bean to post on facebook. Seems so silly now. We were in for a shock. From the start the ultrasound technicians and nurses were grim. Performing measurements 5-10 times and talking in hushed tones. Something was wrong. It all happened so fast. Ultrasound after ultrasound, CVS, amnio, numerous appointments with genetic counsellors and specialists. Our little girl was diagnosed with a genetic disorder and severe congenital heart defects. The stats for carrying to term were bleak. I decided that I could deal with the diagnosis, but that I was unprepared to lose such a loved baby during the late stages of pregnancy. At 21 weeks, feeling bombarded with information and statistics, and feeling totally overwhelmed, we terminated our pregnancy. I have regretted my decision each and every day since. We have since been blessed with two amazing children, but there isn't a day that passes that I don't wish I fought harder for the little one who isn't here. No matter your decision, please know that you are not alone in your struggles. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts. N.

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    1. Dear N, you amaze me and I send you my love and support. You are blessed to have two amazing and beautiful children. That makes me smile.
      I truly believe that you did what was best for your family and for yourself. Please don't feel regret, you made that decision based on love for your little one.
      I really appreciate that you shared your story with me. I feel honoured.
      xo

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  5. Welcome & congrats!! We've all been standing in your shoes at one time and I just want you to know that all your feelings are normal. There is a HUGE support group out there. Now that you have your blog, I will continue to follow you! Our son was born with DS and is going to be turning 4 in May. If you want, you can look at our blog. www.alainakylestevenson.blogspot.com

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  6. Hi Alaina and Kyle,
    Thank you so much for you message and for your support. I would also like to thank you for following our journey over the next while...hopefully I keep everybody interested. :)
    I will for sure check out your blog as this will give us an idea of what our lives may potentially be like in a few years.
    Thanks again

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  7. I have read this twice now. It's really beautiful. I only wish more people had your courage and strength. We found out when our son was born that he had Ds and the news was very hard for me to take. I have always been thankful I found out after he was born, because had I found out when I was pregnant I don't know what decision I would have made based on fear alone. He is such a blessing to our home, to our family. Sure there are ups and downs in this journey, there always will be...But we are so incredibly blessed to have him. There are no words to describe how amazing raising a child with Down syndrome is. I can't wait to follow along on your journey :)

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  8. Hi Jenny,
    Thank you so much for posting your comment. I've said it a few times now, would I rather know after birth or before???? It's such a tough call. I feel sometimes that knowing before, we are able to prepare ourselves the best we can for baby's arrival. I am so happy to know that your little one is a blessing and that raising a child with DS is amazing and rewarding. It's comments like this that make me realize, we can do it!!

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  9. Hello Krista. My name is Tatiana and I loved reading your story because I can relate so much. I found out I was pregnant with my first baby on Jan 15,2013. Exactly 3 months later, on March 15 we got a positive CVS for DS. Now, 4 weeks later I can say I've come a long way but I am far from being completely ok. I have ups and downs. But message board support and reading amazing blogs like yours has really given me the confidence that I can do this. I truly believe all the DS moms that say what a blessing our children are and how once I hold my baby girl, the love will be so infinite that DS will seem so insignificant.... I cannot wait for that moment.... Thank you for sharing your story on a blog and providing help for other moms like me :-)

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  10. Hi Tatiana,
    Thank you so much for your comment. I think you are the only mom who I have connected with who is pregnant and really we aren't too far off each other. Is this your first baby? Please keep reading the blog and sharing your thoughts and feelings, I think we can lean on each other throughout this whole journey. The blog has made it easier as well, there has been so much support and love, but I am also not completely ok, just like you. Ups and downs and lots of fears but still so excited to meet this little bean. xoxoxo

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  11. Hi Krista. Yes, this is my first baby. My first marriage ended because my ex didn't want kids. I ended up marrying one of my best friends who I knew for 13 years and also had recently got divorced. We are such a great team and he has also been incredibly amazing. We really wanted this baby and I prayed for her for so long!! Needless to say when we found out I felt so cheated :-( A lot of people have come to us to tell us that maybe that was the plan for us all along, that we ended up together because we were to raise this special girl and show the world what love and dedication can do. It's a beautiful concept and I try to have faith in it most of the time. But like you, when I lay in bed at night alone with my thoughts they tend to get darker.... So I try to just talk or sing to my baby girl. Oh, I forgot to say last time how adorable and beautiful your daughter is :-)

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  12. Thaty...I can't believe how similiar our journeys have been. I have been told the same things but several people and you know what, let's run with it and make this world a better place. We can do it...let's do it together. :) Ok, if we don't change the world, maybe we can change a few ignorant people. :)It's going to work out for us, I know it. I love that you sing to your baby girl. That makes me smile. I usually just feed mine Fruit Loops. :) I really want to stay connected to you.
    Thank you so much for the compliment....Brinley is just the most wonderful little girl, a little spicy sometimes but we love her to pieces. <3

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  13. I would love to stay connected Krista. My personal email is thatyjack@hotmail.com. From there you can pretty much find me anywhere: Facebook, Skype, Instagram..... It's good to know someone out there is going through something so similar to what Im going through. Especially because at times I feel so alone. I really just want baby Ella to get here (we are naming her Ella Marie) so I can hold her and kiss her and tell her we'll b ok:-)

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  14. Oh, I love the name Ella. My BFF just had a little girl and that is her name. I am also on Facebook....
    When is your due date??

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  15. Im due September 20th. How about you?

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  16. I'm due August 27th but would prefer a couple weeks before. :)
    So both of us preganant and hot!!!

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  17. Hey Krista,
    Just discovered your blog, and LOVE it! Our little guy Jake will be 2 in May, and it has been quite a journey. A great one though, and one that almost two years in, I can honestly say that I wouldn't change. The grieving and coming to grips is hard, and you will have days in which you grieve for the rest of your life. BUT...the joys and celebrations are also much more exuberant (IMO!). AND...you are in High River!! We are in Calgary. So there. We should meet someday:) You can see what 2 years in can do for you!
    Blessings on you and your precious family:)

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  18. Hi Karyn,
    I am so happy that you love the blog. I appreciate that, a lot.
    I love the name Jake..I bet he is just a sweetie. I am so looking forward to all the crazy, fun times that we will have with this little one. I hope that her and her sister become the best of friends. I love that you are in Calgary...we will have to meet for sure. Thanks for the blessings. Sending you a hug. xoxo

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    1. Krista, thank you so much for sharing this. I love your courage and raw honesty. It must be wild looking back at this!
      Amber

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    2. Thanks so much for reading Amber. Writing the blog is so therapeutic for me and it feels good to be able to share with others.
      It is so wild looking back. It's crazy all of the emotions and the fears. We are in such a better place today. :) xo

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